Cash for Clunkers.

For all you non red meat eating because you think its healthy....HIPPIES....perhaps you wont know what im talking about...for those of you who are the more rare....the better.....you will. seems like going to bed with a a nice piece of beef in your belly...gives you more clarity on your dreams......or nightmares. i guess you could say....im a bit of a seer. psychic if you will.....a couples years ago...i saw the writing on the wall...reality tv shows had consumed the mindless viewer....shows like who wants to be a millionaire where they intentionally get stupid people on there and ask them random questions about who wore the red hat in annie get you gun.....our society...was making a turn...for the worst......that turn for the worst...became.....the new mtv....i hate you. you are the sole reason my little sisters are matierialistic...and shallow...its not their fault...they weren't given a choice....there is no alternative...there is no underground anymore.... the kids are fucked....taking back sunday and girls like boys are not the underground....you actually call that shit punk...its not even pop punk....its hot topic....its bullshit. im not going to sit here while writing yet another poignant and prophetic essay on why im better than most people and am actually more self actualized than most.....before i admit i did watch mtv. i pose this question....were we....like the kids today....just too caught up in the mainstream....with bands like veruca salt....better than ezra....catherine wheel.... belly..... Mathew sweet....sebadoh..etc..etc..etc......or where those band legit? i think they were. ive never been so anti mainstream....ive always given them the benefit of the doubt....if its good music its good music...90s alternative was good. punk was punk....not punk because myspace was around...not so simple to start bands....and if you did have a band..it was hard to get out of your city...so your local scene was pretty rad....so rad....that bands from other scenes used to call bands on the phone and ask if they wanted to trade shows....the market wasnt so over saturated with shitty bands.....sure....the scene was more tight knit back then....maybe more pretentious....but i t was a scene...now people use the word scene to describe how someone looks....image has completely replaced talent....its not about the quality of your music....its about being indie as fuck...or emo...long hair...boots...leather jacket....unisex jeans....bright colors......so...where does the induviduality come from being a musician anymore... image has become so important because mtv told us it was...they told us if we are going to listen to punk rock...lets dress in designer punk clothes while doing it... lets go get our hair colored by a pro at the salon....lets go to hot topic and buy a 30 dollar band t shirt..(ever noticed they all look the same now?) sure....i sound fucking pathetic don't i...complaining about all this shit when at the end of the day...maybe im a hypocrite for listening to new country...not just the punk./indie/alt.....but country music makes no bones about what they are. they are designed to have singers...and songwriters..and studio musicians and big tours...it was always like that...even when hank Williams and George jones were around.....most country artists don't write their songs....that way it always been. but alternative music hasn't always sucked this bad. i.e. the 80s and 90s. now the music we listen to on the fox has been compromised but about 10-20 of the same producers who in a skull and bones scret meeting got together and said...lets make a formula for shitty music...we need to perpetuate the eddie vetter voice as a much as possible...we need to make sure we keep puddle of mudd/ limp biscuit style songs on the radio...we need catchy mindless hooks like daughtry....and all the songs in general need to sound the same....one would think with all this jock rock and general bullshit....when a band comes along like the hive or the strokes...they would do better than just marginal success....well...perhaps its their respective record label not wanting to put that much money in paying the radio stations to play them (payola anyone?) or maybe its these bands actually have integrity.... i was recently...just this morning actually watching vh1 classic and saw that you can buy tickets to co on a cruise with bands like three doors down..finger eleven....and some other bands of that caliber that the bands of phoenix hill just love to emulate....and i was thinking about a couple things....first off...anyone who would go on this cruise....would probably goto phoenix hill because the music is good....and they really don't truly like music......they like what the rock star dj's on the fox tell them to like...the ones who sound like they are so cool....till you see them in person..bald on the top with long hair like fucking poison and motley crue are gonna get big again and they were so cutting edge for having long hair. there are the chicks that wear cowboy hats and have their belly buttons pierced...they would go....only to try to tune (aka bone) one of the members of those bands. there are the guys who would go to try to tune the girls who are trying to tune the band members....and so on and so on...then there is the people who are on some sort of new program with jefferson county corrections where their punishment is to go and listen to these bands and serve all the douche band coronas and bud lights. and the occasional shot of cheap tequila.

Which one is worse..stepping in horse crap...or human crap? my guess is human crap...because we all know a horses diet doesn't consist of much more than hay, oats and the occasional peppermint. but human crap..yeah we know we are some dirty eating bastards.... McDonalds double cheeseburgers...skyline chili....i for sure dont want to step on a human turd.....like you know...you are gonna be walking down the sidewalk and be like..."dammit who took a shit on the sidewalk"....the quantity of a horse turd though....a big pile of it..is pretty massive. but then again...ive seen some human turds that i should have taken a picture of.

i often think about how cool it would have been of the pre-nazi germane would have taken part in more colonialism...the idea that perhaps south america could be completely German speaking.... it just seems neat to thin about..highly unlikely..but none the less.

not to go out on a limb to much here....but the tv show jackass and boxing have a lot in common.....youre getting paid to hurt yourself...i beg the question...would you let mike tyson punch you in the face with a boxing glove on for a coo one million dollar....im not gonna pay it out personally..but there was some sort of gam show hosted by regis philbin and his one time partner kathy lee gifford....or is it just kathy lee...any ways....it has the production and intensity of deal or no deal...but you basically just let tyson hit you in the face ....obviously its gonna jack you up pretty bad....but the network will incur all medical costs..leaving you with about 750grrrrrrr after taxes....i think id do it....speaking on that i would eat a human turd for a million dollars..and i would eat it on a plate with a fork and knife...but that is only if i can dictate the contents of the turd i am eating....for example..im set up to eat a turd..but i can tell the person what to eat...i would tell the said person to eat a lot of greens and stay away from corn and peanuts.....then i would close my eyes and think about the first purchase i would make as a new millionaire...and how frivolously i would spend the money....im sure the turd would be gross..but coming from a generation that live ins the now.....the pepsi generation...generation next....blah blah blah blah.....i would blow through the money in a year..just by impressing people with how much money i had...its just money...it comes and goes....i would by people weird things....like ford fusions and old datsun trucks....i would take a trip to the reese's peanut butter cup plant and buy literally a truck load of that sweet peanut butter filling...speaking of that...remember when reeses' peanut butter came out..you thought you were gonna get some of that peanut butter cup filling didnt you...well you were duped....might as well go back to jiffy.....i would sit down with mr reese himself and have a nice steak dinner while sipping on a bottle of 25 year pappy van winkle..

and finally....on the topic of bourbon.....what a glorious drink. i used to be a super duper beer goon. i belonged to beer clubs...and i i used to pride myself on distinguishing the taste of a stout over the taste of a porter..or taste the coriander out of one beer..and the Belgian hops out of another.... but as we all know..as we age..beer just leaves you peein every five minutes..and getting no where...bourbon...is so much cooler........yeah......cooler. let me explain. (before you go on thinking that im just a lush who likes to get drunk faster than beer can provide..which isnt the case at all...well maybe a little).

its kentucky....yes...some people dont get it...those people arent from kentucky. and that fine....we know something you dont. just keep this in mind when you consider the kentucky factor.  kentucky is rich in tradition and culture....we have our own cuisine....our own dialect...and yes..hillbillies and rednecks..but we also have alot of famous people..and we are known for our bourbon horses and baseball bats.....abe licoln and jefferson davis....what is your state known for? yeah. thanks

the hydration factor....

drinking b and dc's with  ice will naturally keep you hydrated you. beer will only give you a nasty hangover not to mention the dump you will take the next day if you drink a real cheap beer. im not obssesed with poop. but i am a child.

the variety....

there is sipping bourbon...there is mixing bourbon..the is so many bourbons to explore that i want to start a reading rainbow type show devoted to bourbon. and yes levar burton will host it. and i will even try to to a take on the original theme song.

the cost effectiveness vs. beer.....

you dont buy beer..you rent it...because once that seal is broken....its over. youre done..youre peeing every five minutes. with bourbon.......you own it...yeah...you go to a liquor store and think to yourself man i dont wanna pay for a handle of woodford reserve..thats like 50 bucks...but just remember you can drink of that for about three weekends by yourself. or one night with three other people..but if everyone is pitching up...so be it. its cheap. and cheap is good.

ive been working on the ultimate 80s compilation....its pretty amazing....alot of songs i havent heard..and you are talking to a dude...who is an idiot savant when it comes to 80s.....so....i leave you with this........one of those 80s songs that i hadnt heard..that is such an amazing song

urban sprawl is your friend

really....camping and all that shit....you can have it. i cant stand it...im allergic to poison ivy, among other things....i cant dig sitting in the middle of the woods around a campfire tripping on mushrooms or smoking weed and passing around a bottle of jack daniels.....who from Kentucky drinks jack daniels anyways....tastes like ass in a glass. the only reason i know what ass tastes like is because my friend eats girls asses on a regular basis and when i was asking him what he gets out of it...he told me it tastes like jack daniels....he is from Tennessee...so it makes sense...now every time i taste any sort of Tennessee whiskey, i envision my friend (who will remain anonymous) drunk on a bottle of Tennessee sour mash with a girl he just met down at jim porters going to town on the brown....with his tongue....but really thats another story for another time. i think we should build more cities like new york , Chicago and Cincinnati. all this so called precious wildlife isn't really all that precious to alot of us...most of us will sit there and say" oh duuuude, im going green" and most of us aren't going to do anything different besides maybe not throw our cigarette butts on the street. little did we know...we are keep the precious robins and sparrows and cardinals from good insulation for their nests....thus....killing their offspring. nest thing you know...all the birds have disappeared setting off a natural catastrophe. so keep throwing your butts on the street. the fact of the matter is...the facts don't matter (shellac quote) we are told by other humans...that we as humans are pieces of shit that don't deserve to live here on this earth...we don't take care of it..we don't wipe its ass like a little kid when its yelling from the bathroom "mom in done".....come on you goons....i'm not going to ride a bike to work...and if you have to put a little smoke in the air to make something cheaper....then do it...fucking...organic food are more expensive then food they put all sorts of chemicals in....that makes no sense.to me...you would think that shit would be cheaper...less chemicals.....look..there are some people out there...who will bitch about emissions in the united states..and then bitch about how all the industry has left the united states. didn't you ever stop to think? fucking china doesn't give a shit about emissions...go over there and bitch about the ozone..this isn't some sort of usa all the way rant....we all know nowadays you are a redneck if you are patriotic...and i don't want to be called a redneck even though i might intentionally get drunk off whiskey and obnoxiously hit on women. and randomly chant "usa all the way". i always find it funny when people bitch about something and then there is the obvious contradiction..."oooo....my wiener hurts there is too much pollution in major cities"...then move to the country. don't spoil it for those who like the smell of exhaust...because i know i do....

turning off your electricity when you are using it or taking fast showers....that isn't living green...that saving money....its common sense...im not doing it because me keep a light on all night means the coal plant has to bring in another barge and pump it into the ozone....recycling isn't an option where i live. you get a recycling bin and you do it...no big deal..but i know there are some places that actually charge you to recycle...i would say we need to get some of those left coast loonies out to those areas and have a hunger strike while chained to the front doors of the waste company that is doing this.

has anyone ever seen how much it costs to install solar panels on your house....check it out....yes you will make your money back ten fold...but not alot of people want to finance that sort of thing.

my point to all this is...there are people who feel so transcendental and love being oout in nature.....there are people that feel like because they bought an electric car they are doing their part to save mother earth. and you all are awesome. really pat yourself on the back because...me im like what dennis miller said...by the time the earth goes to shit ill be dead...so who cares?....im not going to spend more money to save the earth. make the shit cheaper...and ill by it.

i believe it was Thomas Jefferson who spoke about manifest destiny....i think what he envisioned was a giant new york city from one coast to the next...or at least thats what i would like to think...because that would be pretty righteous.

dont let anyone ever tell you we are running out of space in this country....i would tell those people to take a drive through a barren wasteland known as new mexico....its a giant missle range......but if we were running out of places for people to live...send a bunch of double wides out there and let the hill billies enjoy themselves.

the girl is mine

Lets take a moment to look beyond the fact that about a year ago the media pretty much convicted the king of pop being a child molester. of course he was acquitted.....but as you know...thats not what matters. in the eyes of most of america.....joe scarbourough said he molested those children so he must have...who cares what the court of law finds....so yeah.....im a little up set now that they are honoring him left and right. people who called him a pedophile now are listening to you wanna be starting something over and over again and talking about how he died so young and how tragic this whole thing is...lest we not forget the jokes about his face and the changing of the color of his skin....lets just look beyond all that for a brief couple of moments.....and talk about his duet with paul mccartney.....the girl is mine.


For those of who don't know this song....its is off of thriller....Go listen to it. First I would like to address paul...hey man....why are you fighting with michael jackson over a girl? you were in the beatles....i mean...dude...you had girls passing out when you de-boarded a plane...now you are gonna sit there and fight with what i would be believe to be at the time...a 27/28 year old virgin...let him have the girl. hes never been laid....your penis is probably hanging on strictly by foreskin. you and lennon were doing lines of coke off airline stewardesses asses while on route to india to play sitars and smoke opium. all micahel ever did was hang out int he green room with his brother Tito and watch him get a perm...or hide from his dads belt.

in respect to the death of mj...ill lieave it alone but i will say this:

if michael didnt die....larry king would be running specials on the life of billy mays and farah faucet.

ive been in the queen city for going on three years now....here are a couple things ive noticed that make me like the queen city better....dont get me wrong on this....the highlands are great. the highlands are like luxembourg. leave it and what do you got? anyways...back to my point.

the white gansta rap phenomemon and calling people dawg.
not going to act like i havent seen it up here. but not on the level of what it is in louisville. i could never for the life of me understand this phenomenon....you grow up in predominatly white areas like okolona, fern creek, fairdale, valley station, and prp. your parents listen to country...usually work for ford....or some other blue collar job that is enough to make a good wage and raise a good family....your extended family is from eastern/ western/southern kentucky....deep in the holler. and you dress like you are from atlanta or queens new york. your slang is ebonics mixed with a southern accent. you drive cutlass supremes up and down preston...you start gangs..that basically just allow you to run your mouth and hope fully your dawgs will jump in when you start getting pounded. never got it. never will. you didnt grow up on the mean streets of the Bronx. everything else that is different about Ohio and Kentucky mostly have to do with issue of where the respective states economies are. education, teen pregnancy rate, median household income , etc....but this phenomenon of redneck white dudes acting like they grew up down on 34th and vermont. its amazing...i think harvard or yale should bring some people down here to research it...maybe do a nat geo special on the g dawgs of louisville...people would watch it. i had the pleasure of watching it growing up in fern creek....shipping at jefferson mall. going anywhere on preston highway...going to see skynrd play.

is louisville the next breeding ground for the next vanilla ice? maybe so. the white rap rapper game has become somewhat burgeoning. and i mean....i can totally see why. growing up on the mean streets of glenmary.....and cruising fern creek high school...i know what its like...constant drive bys drugs and hookers everywhere. people keeping their game trump tight. never knowing my mom or dad...growing up at the local ymca....resorting to serving cavvie to all the people on colonel hancock. blvd right next tot the 7th green on the glemary golf course.
yeah....i get it.


Beer.

drink your five dollar imports. im going to drink pbr. it is after all the best tasting beer for the price.


dave chappelle once had a joke about seeing a woman who looked like a hooker and so he decided to approach her and ask her for sex...she replied with just because i dress like this doesnt make me a hooker. so the next day he went out dressed up as a police officer and when someone came to ask him for help....he replied with just because im dressed like this doesnt mean im a cop.....the point being. ladies....dont post pictures of yourself in your bra and panties then get pissed off when a dude objectifies you or asks you for sex. this aint the fucking 1300 where we just enjoy the female figure for what it is....we are a generation of males that on one tab of our browser we are on mojo...the other tab is porn hub. try thinking about why you would put those pitcures of you like that anyways. attention. if you do have a brain....we arent noticing....we are noticing that who ever gave you that brazillian bikini wax..didnt do such a good job....i still see some pubes. there is nothing more i love to see then some girl on here bent over a table in one of her slutty halloween outfits showing off her ass...and then in the about me section it say she is looking for intelligent conversation and guys that arent looking for a hookup. thats just absurd

MY CAR MY LIFE MY CARD

My car.My life.My card....

effin car. i loved you like no other man could love you..and this is how you treat me...or rather....is it my fault...for being the non caring distant man that ive been told that i am by so many others...the neglect ive shown you....shit...i guess its my fault..and to think this whole time i thought you were the problem in our relationship...but really it was just me...ive been lying to myself the whole time....so...ill take you out for a nice oil change and tune up. and fix your water pump...because im kinda like a pimp in all reality...and i gotta have my baby looking nice.


i drank beer for the first time in a month or so. let be clarify....i told my self that beer is just no good anymore....i mean...when youre drinking the bourbon and diets (or as i like to call them the b&dc...and ive actually used that on some bartenders and they said ive coined the phrase and i should copyright it) you know...you are kinda hydrating while getting pissed (if i may sound british). plus the ice....in the drink is preventing a hang over.....beer....its no good it dehydrates you like a mutha....but last night i blew it...am i disaapointed in myself...no...

onto more pressing issues....i was riding home this morning with my friend jimmy or as i like to call him filet men james...we were discussing politics and what not...and well...i mean....hes a pretty staunch dem and just has this crazy notion of what republicans are....and i kinda got a little uptight about it...but then i thought about my first impression of dems...and..well needless to say...i came to the conclusion that i hate politics...

but what if....i ran for congress....and then had a website set up where everyone in my district could submit their vote on certain house bills...then i would go be the voice of the people....i dont think i stand a chance against mr geoff davis.

MY CAR MY LIFE MY CARD

Ever feel like youve been cheated?

Ever been out drinking on bardstown road and suddenly someone yells out..lets go to phoenix hill.....yer half drunk and you actually think that all of okolona and fairdale's finest might actually work out for you tonight...after all you're from the highlands...and in most cases you don't associate with the type of people that actually go to a bar to see a cover band play let the bodies hit the floor...but tonight you do....you go because one of your drunk friends keeps whispering it in your ear....why not....after all you are sitting at the tap room staring at the same twelve people that go there all the time.... before i go any further....the bullshit going on with the cover bands at phoenix hill is amazing...people really get excited about going to see a band do other peoples songs.....you should just stop listening to music. people who play in cover bands either do it for the money or have no creative bone in their body.....both reasons are laughable.....the main reason im a musician is because i hate money. and i like o write songs about sex and drinking. upon entering and after paying the 10 dollar cover....you realize you made the biggest mistake of your life....after all you dont talk to women...you wait for them to talk to you....well...take a look at your clothes....if its not preston highways approved....and you know what i mean...you might as well go sit in the parlor and lay your head down on the bar and hope you can at least get your ten dollars worth of fun back....ever think about why those goons over at penis thrill and the wrinkle room have covers? its not like you are providing some sort of atmosphere that i cant get down off of manslick road or national turnpike. so...youre hanging out in the parlor room of the ultimate night club experience known as phoenix hill tavern....and where is youre friend that begged you to go....little did you know...he had a secret plan to meet some chicks up there.he already bounced....good news is..you can walk home...bad news is all the people that will see you coming out of phoenix hill will now know you arent as "highlands as you wanted everyone to think you are". so....the fucking bars dont close till four....its only 11:30...youve been drinking since 4 pm....there is still some hope to at least maybe get a chick to let you take her home and at least let her take a peak at your wiener through the hole in your boxers.....so you head over to flanigans....then you realized you are 29 dressed in an outfit you bought from kohls. everyone else is 21-24 and still thinks its cool to actually get dressed up to go out drinking...might as well be a presidential banquet....not to mention the six dollar pint of newcastle you bought.....you pound it down....walk out and cross thre street to go to molly malones....ha....they wont even let you in unless you got a tie on and went to st x.....you went to Highview baptist. damn.......osheas....where you run into your ex girlfriend and all her friends....this is the ex girlfriend you just dont want yo see anymore...but you really cant escape her.....well you could if you werent drunk and didnt goto osheas....youre drunk and you tell her how much youve changed....youre doing yoga now and youve cut back on your drinking alot....she points out the newcastle stain on your pseudo-western shirt by sonoma you boughtat kohls for 13 bucks.....you walk out the patio without saying goodbye to her....she was with some other dude anyways....he had a lacoste shirt on....you werent gonna win that one. you cross the street to wicks...then realized you hate hip hop and white rappers from dixie highway who rap about the mean streets of prp and valley station.... walking up bardstown road you run into some friends from high school...they are heading to the back door....the straightest gay bar in louisville...i mean the name is after all....the back door.....you go order a couple rum and cokes..the bartender cuts you off...youre having too good of a time he said....and you look drunk....you really arent that drunk... time to catch that cab to the mag bar....gotta try to score an alt rock chick....youve never really had one and in the back of your head you keep telling yourself..."man...i listen to rancid and fugazi....and ..shit i used to play drums in sltt and pinewood derby.....these chicks should be all over me" youre six foot three with blonde hair...you look like you just got off of football practice...slapping on an elliot t shirt doesnt make you indie.... you walk in greeted by the smell of piss....after all punks dont pee in the toilet...so...you walk in and deja vu hits because the juke box in playing the same refused song as the last time you were there....everyone is quiet....and looking down at their drinks in shame...realizing...they are in their mid to late thirties and shouldnt have gotten their arms sleeved...some...are even trying to figure out a way to reconnect with their moms and dads...maybe theyll pay to have the rebellion removed from their arms....you drink a couple and take a cab back to the tap room...because after all....the tap room is perhaps the best bar in louisville. no pretentious people there like a certain bar down the street starting with a c. the tap room....is the best bar in louisville.